may I taste the salt of your skin?
I want to feel your teeth cut into me
are you warm-blooded, because I’m cold again.
they’ve made a monster out of me and
bloody, I am still unbowed
I may be broken, but my shards still slice
I’ve seen boys cut their palms open when they hold me too close
they told me I’m fucked up
and I know I am, I just
I looked at love with reverence, but I don’t believe anymore
I wanted clean simplicity and look where that got me
a mouth full of blood and torn off wings
hah.
it’d be hilarious if it didn’t still hurt
02. collared flesh
you know, I still remember
hands tangled in my hair - this flesh memory is very vivid.
I might have a choker around my neck
but I am anything but collared
there’s a touch of madness in the eyes, wildness
you were drawn to it.
03. mania
I can’t drown it out
the manic phases, I know it’s a swing
I know it’s an upward shift and the crash will be catastrophe
but I’m running with it
I can roll with the punches
it’s what I do.
this is my brain chemistry, right?
and there’s the modern alchemy to make me normal
but normal is a setting on a dryer
and it’s not for me, not for fucking me
hate the fucking clarity, so where’s the booze
I miss the haze, miss the colours
is anyone else seeing this shit?
written between 5:30am - 6:30am, today.
the night isn't kind to me and my brain hates me. it feels like that most of the time and I've asked whatever (benevolent?) higher being up there "why the fuck did you make me like this?" and considering I haven't gotten any answers, I feel like I move closer to the edge with every passing day.
someone offered to help me, and in my drunken state (batman-styled brooding) - I almost threw a glass at him. it's not that I don't want help, but there are days I don't think I deserve help. I was off my meds on that day.
recently, an ex-boyfriend that I'm still on (relatively) good terms with reminded me of some of the stunts I've pulled over the course of us dating and I feel like a terrible person. I know I was different then, and I'm trying my fucking hardest now - but being empty sucks, lacking intimacy sucks and I feel like I sound like a whining, angsty 15 year old all over again.
why am I like this?