I realise that when I rush, I forget to take my medication. Not taking my medication, whatever it is, makes the swings so much worse. I've been trying to take my meds consistently, because (logically anyway) I know that having a routine is supposed to stabilise me. I'm just... the mood drops don't help. I barely sleep. I can't eat. I want to cry all the time, I'm miserable and I know it's mostly the brain chemistry but it hurts and it's painful. How do you talk about it? How do you tell anyone about it?
Telling someone seems like I'm whining and my next therapist appointment is in September, but it feels like I'm whining and I don't know what to do. They're planning on putting me on an antipsychotic next month and it's terrifying, but I'm hoping it'll help.
I'm grateful for work and the people who are in my life now, but it just feels strangely empty these days. I don't feel alive. Trying to figure it out seems too self-indulgent, so maybe I should just... not. I don't know.