Finally got back on my medication. Finally talked to my psychiatrist. I wish I could say I'm relieved but it's a little sick (and shameful) to admit that I'm relieved that I got refills on my medication. Added a new one too, so we'll see how that goes.
Do you know what it felt like to get back on my meds? 10 minutes after I swallowed the small orange and white pills that pretty much guarantee that I can function like a human being, the inside of my head was quiet for the first time in two weeks.
For the last two weeks, it felt like I was stuck in the most crowded club you can imagine - being jostled and shoved by people crammed on the dance floor like sardines in a tin. It felt like I couldn't hear anything above the thumping bass line or shouting of other people in the club, and the only way someone could talk to me was to shout in my ear.
I was so impulsive. I couldn't control it. If my impulses said 'do it', I probably would. Even though the rational part of my brain, the part that has common sense, would say "this is not an appropriate reaction" or "this is not something we should be doing" - I couldn't stop myself from reacting a certain way or doing things because everything was so intense. It was insane.
On a less depressing note, I've written three new prompts for the #daretowrite challenge. They're written below, and you can always check things out on my Tumblr for more insight into my head.
x Hannah
Do you know what it felt like to get back on my meds? 10 minutes after I swallowed the small orange and white pills that pretty much guarantee that I can function like a human being, the inside of my head was quiet for the first time in two weeks.
For the last two weeks, it felt like I was stuck in the most crowded club you can imagine - being jostled and shoved by people crammed on the dance floor like sardines in a tin. It felt like I couldn't hear anything above the thumping bass line or shouting of other people in the club, and the only way someone could talk to me was to shout in my ear.
I was so impulsive. I couldn't control it. If my impulses said 'do it', I probably would. Even though the rational part of my brain, the part that has common sense, would say "this is not an appropriate reaction" or "this is not something we should be doing" - I couldn't stop myself from reacting a certain way or doing things because everything was so intense. It was insane.
On a less depressing note, I've written three new prompts for the #daretowrite challenge. They're written below, and you can always check things out on my Tumblr for more insight into my head.
x Hannah
#46 neon jungle
I'm alive when I'm outrunning the sun.
I'm chasing thrills in the neon jungle, feeling at home amongst the flashing lights and heavy bass in a club. On the dance floor, I'm untouchable. I'm queen of the world. It's like that one line from The Wicked + The Divine: I am Sakhmet. I am war and sex and death. I feel nothing.
Sometimes, I don't feel anything. In moments like this when I feel everything, I wish I felt nothing. Take me back to the glittering countertops of top-shelf bars, the smooth polished surfaces of mirrored walls. I don't want to see myself as I am, drown me in a crowd of people.
#102 three dead hearts
PRELUDE
they said they wanted to save me, but they said it differently
in the end, we're all dead inside - yeah?
ACT I
you said you could be there, that you'd be there
you said you understood
you said you could handle me
but you couldn't.
you wanted me to be the pretty thing on your arm
some kind of trophy to represent the things you never had
some kind of ornament like a christmas bauble you put away when the lights go out
oh, how I resented it when I realised I wasn't anything more than a piece of fucking meat.
ACT II
you wanted to give me the world, as long as I was your girl
gifts like these never came without conditions; and your love was never unconditional
you wanted to remake me and I was raw material
I was young, I was impressionable, I was naive
I didn't know any better - I wanted to know better
I wasn't reckless and street-smart, wasn't tough enough to tough it out and
I should've left the first time you hit me, but I didn't and I let you break me
we all lost ourselves that day
ACT III
maybe if we weren't both broken, we'd never have met
but you were soft and sweet and I wasn't soft and sweet
no, not anymore
and I saw the way you looked at me, wanted to find those missing pieces
but you were lost too and our jagged edges didn't quite fit
it wasn't that you didn't love me, you just couldn't watch me hurt anymore
this is why I only cry when I'm alone
FIN
three dead hearts, but so many dead bodies.
#267 beautiful madness
you said you liked me wild
by wild, you meant
manic. you liked the spark in my eyes and
the half-quirked corner of my lips that said "not quite there"
wild flowers aren't meant to be cut, and primped and arranged
becoming some kind of bouquet for gifting
or pressed between pages of heavy books for preservation
you did it anyway, and when the madness threatened to spill out
disrupt the arrangement you carefully curated, you lost it.
there's a certain beauty in this madness
a delirious chaos that sweeps everyone else up in its current
you can't stop it
you can't wish me sane, or undamaged, unbroken.
it's the breaking that's made me intoxicating
the question now is who here dares cross these gates?
who would try to claim me as theirs?
I revel in the destruction that lies at my feet.
would you really try to tame me?
I'm alive when I'm outrunning the sun.
I'm chasing thrills in the neon jungle, feeling at home amongst the flashing lights and heavy bass in a club. On the dance floor, I'm untouchable. I'm queen of the world. It's like that one line from The Wicked + The Divine: I am Sakhmet. I am war and sex and death. I feel nothing.
Sometimes, I don't feel anything. In moments like this when I feel everything, I wish I felt nothing. Take me back to the glittering countertops of top-shelf bars, the smooth polished surfaces of mirrored walls. I don't want to see myself as I am, drown me in a crowd of people.
#102 three dead hearts
PRELUDE
they said they wanted to save me, but they said it differently
in the end, we're all dead inside - yeah?
ACT I
you said you could be there, that you'd be there
you said you understood
you said you could handle me
but you couldn't.
you wanted me to be the pretty thing on your arm
some kind of trophy to represent the things you never had
some kind of ornament like a christmas bauble you put away when the lights go out
oh, how I resented it when I realised I wasn't anything more than a piece of fucking meat.
ACT II
you wanted to give me the world, as long as I was your girl
gifts like these never came without conditions; and your love was never unconditional
you wanted to remake me and I was raw material
I was young, I was impressionable, I was naive
I didn't know any better - I wanted to know better
I wasn't reckless and street-smart, wasn't tough enough to tough it out and
I should've left the first time you hit me, but I didn't and I let you break me
we all lost ourselves that day
ACT III
maybe if we weren't both broken, we'd never have met
but you were soft and sweet and I wasn't soft and sweet
no, not anymore
and I saw the way you looked at me, wanted to find those missing pieces
but you were lost too and our jagged edges didn't quite fit
it wasn't that you didn't love me, you just couldn't watch me hurt anymore
this is why I only cry when I'm alone
FIN
three dead hearts, but so many dead bodies.
#267 beautiful madness
you said you liked me wild
by wild, you meant
manic. you liked the spark in my eyes and
the half-quirked corner of my lips that said "not quite there"
wild flowers aren't meant to be cut, and primped and arranged
becoming some kind of bouquet for gifting
or pressed between pages of heavy books for preservation
you did it anyway, and when the madness threatened to spill out
disrupt the arrangement you carefully curated, you lost it.
there's a certain beauty in this madness
a delirious chaos that sweeps everyone else up in its current
you can't stop it
you can't wish me sane, or undamaged, unbroken.
it's the breaking that's made me intoxicating
the question now is who here dares cross these gates?
who would try to claim me as theirs?
I revel in the destruction that lies at my feet.
would you really try to tame me?